Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Anatomy continues... but I think I'm almost finished

I am easily reverting back to my night owl ways. I went to bed late last night only to be awakened by Maica gagging. I shooed the girls out to the patio and almost slipped as I stepped in her "redeposited" dinner near the bed. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... CLEAN UP on Aisle 9 at 3AM. As a result I'm sure to have one of the cleanest feet in all of Phoenix!

I find myself wanting to write all the time. Purge every thought and feeling that's spinning in my head. I haven't made it to the journal yet. It's all out here in the blog. I never would have thought that this was where I was going to go with this blog.

With all communication broken off and no opportunity for dialogue, I felt muzzled. That's not a good thing-to muzzle me. I come back hard. I know the power of words. I've used them, I've held them back. The power to speak and the power of silence. Weapons and gifts, depending on how they're used.

Yesterday as I chatted in the parking lot, I received a text. It was from the Ex BF. He was letting me know he'd stopped by my house to drop something off and pick something up. No more loose ends. (I'd emailed him late Sat. night asking him to take care of these things when it hadn't been possible to reach him and he didn't return my call or text). That he stopped by when I was sure to be at work was no surprise. He wasn't going to risk coming face to face with me.

We arrived home to find he'd written a note. "Sorry how this all went down. I'm still kinda confused... Somewhat. However, it's not fair to you about this and I want to thank you for everything. You're such a sweetheart. I will miss you all. Seriously!"

Kinda confused????????? After what he did, he's still doubting himself? Wow...... Have some conviction that what you did was the right and true thing to do. This is really sad and I don't mean that for myself.

Of course the Chicklet started asking questions which I wasn't going to avoid. We ended up on the couch and discussed the situation. She was sad too. The exBF was friendly with her too but she was empathetic for me. We cried but kept the conversation going and had some laughs as well.

She understands that when she starts to date, if a guy ever breaks up with her by text, I'll drive up to his house, yank him out by the collar and make him be a man and tell her face to face. Mama Bear will allow no one to mess with her cub, lol. (Anybody out there a lawyer? We'll have some assault charges to deal with...)

Later in the evening I received an email from him. I hadn't responded to his text. What for? maybe my silence was too loud. His email was along the line of his text, wrapping up loose ends. Plus he wanted to repay me for one or two things, thanked me for everything, apologized again, wished me well... Yada, yada, yada...

I responded this time. Got the stuff, no need to repay me for anything... I went on to write that he could text, email, leave notes & notes & notes but the only true and sincere apology that I could accept could only be done in person. Since I didn't expect that that was going to happen, it was something he was going to have to carry around with him.

I could have stopped it there but I had one more thing to say. I called him a coward for going about this situation in the manner he did. I know it is a strong word that is emasculating to a man, (Sandy, if you want to run and get a dictionary, I can stop writing for a few minutes). Although I knew the word would sting, it was heartfelt and honest and sometimes the truth really hurts. In the end I wrote "Good-bye."

Closing doors is not my usual M.O. but as long as he has gone elsewhere, he has no business contacting me. The door is closed.

Later that night I received a terse reply: Good-bye, "the Coward"
For someone who has chosen to cut off all lines of communication, I found it ironic that he felt the need to get the last word in.

He was angry at me. Well what the heck did he expect? That I was going to gush and sing his praises and thank him to no end? It felt like he was fishing for something by texting and emailing. Reassurance perhaps? Maybe he wanted me to say that all was good and well and he wasn't a jerk. I couldn't let him off the hook. That's something he has to come to peace with for himself. I feel for him. After all the crap, I honestly do.

In one of the emails he mentioned "too many red flags." Like what he did was to be expected or that he's caught up in a cycle that he can't get out of. I responded to that comment by saying that my concerns had nothing to do with my trust in him or any worries about him and his ex-girlfriend. I felt secure in our affection for one another and for any concern that I had, it was outweighed by good qualities that I saw in him. I was with him by choice and my choice was to see where the future led us.

I guess the future led us to this blog......


1 comment:

  1. Breaking off by texting or even a hand written note is just wrong. I am so very sorry that you're going through this. I honestly wonder if some people will ever think or ever learn how their actions affect others...