...it pours. When you hear that, it sounds negative, right? I'm thinking positive. In the last two months I feel like a lot of what I know is coming together with what I feel. You know how you know something in your head but you just don't get it? I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting it.
Some of those things that I couldn't accept, reconcile, understand...it's starting to feel OK. Some of those things that I thought I was OK with, I'm realizing that maybe I wasn't ready to move on after all. So what do I do?
With the help of a friend, I found out about a support group. Today will be two months since I attended my first meeting.
In these two months I have already seen that I'm dealing with life in a different manner. The good is still good. (Thank g-d for that). The not so good isn't a major catastrophe. That's not to say that I don't feel the sadness or anger or disappointment from these situations. Those emotions are still very present. I feel a lot calmer in dealing with them.
It's been about 3 weeks since RV Guy and I went kaput. We talked a few days later and I felt good after our late evening talk. Then I woke up the next day and I was pissed. Pissed at him and pissed at myself. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this upset but I carried those emotions with me all day long. I was blaming myself for the end of the relationship.
During the course of our conversation my misdeed came up again as a possible factor in ending our romance. So once again the stench of that stupidity was back. I was kicking myself for it and angry at him because he couldn't get over it. It was a comment, it was stupid, I made a mistake. I am human......
In my head I knew that if a comment made in error could cause all this then I was better off being out of this relationship now. I mean what if I really had done something unforgivable? What would it be like then????? I'm learning to understand that his feelings on the subject are out of my control. I'm not being dismissive and then moving on. I am doing everything I can to not let something like that happen again regardless of who's involved.
We haven't talked since that evening. We agreed not to play the blame game. I could see that we could be protected from each other that way. Yes, but who was there to protect me from me? When I finally wrote everything out in my journal, I filled 36 pages. Jeezzzzzzz... I had to a lot to try and come to terms with. Not sure I have yet. We need to talk again. I haven't wanted to yet because I don't want speak to him full of anger.
I'd asked him to give me time. I still need more time. I'm not sure if he understands that. He's texted. I've responded but not right away. I don't feel responsible for taking care of him, reassuring him. Right now I have to take care of me. That sounds selfish but if I don't take care of me, who will? What good am I to the Chicklet, my students, my co-workers by expending so much energy in that direction? There's plenty going on that needs me to be in the here and now.