Monday was stressful. Get here, do this, be here, do that, get this out of the way. Finish this..... Pick up the Chicklet, run home, get her vest and Valentine's. Oops! Forgot to get cupcakes. Run to the store and make it to the Girl Scouts meeting on time. Dinner????? No time, crud!
I had a meeting to go to. Home was on the way and I contemplated going home and spending some time in the studio to unwind. It was tempting but I went to my meeting. Good move. It helped. (More on that later).
All done, I get in my car ready to pick up the Chicklet, I had a text from RV Guy, "We need to talk, I've been thinking..." Oh boy, I knew what was coming. We're done, romantically...
I saw this coming. I wasn't real happy where we have been at the last month but communicating has been difficult. At one point I told him I had a better chance of finding the Loch Ness monster.
He's been going through some major personal stuff with work. I tried to give him my support and at times, just gave him the space he needed. Even when we did talk, we didn't talk. I once said he was just making noise, but not really saying anything. So something had to happen and this is the result.
That new beginning? It never came to fruition. Was what happened before New Years' the cause?
Who knows....who cares. The result is what it is and it won't change.
Given the news on Monday, our conversation went well. There was no anger. I was hurt and disappointed and this isn't what I wanted but I thanked him for being honest with himself and with me. I know in my heart it wasn't easy for him to tell me and I'm sure he feared my reaction.
He wants to be friends. With time I know we will be. I think he will be a true and treasured friend. Our relationship has benefited me in ways never anticipated.
This all took place on my way to pick up the Chicklet and I knew I looked upset but what the hell. I knew what was coming and I wanted to get it over with.... He told me to call him later that evening if I wanted to talk.
The Chicklet and I got home, I put her to bed. I was going to call him. I had all these questions going through my head. Then I got annoyed. Not pissed really, but the irony of it all got to me. I texted him that I'd been trying to talk to him for weeks for my own reassurance to no avail. I got the answer I needed although it wasn't the one I wanted but I did see it coming. I meant everything I had said earlier but I was feeling pretty raw. I had a bunch of questions but the answers wouldn't matter because the end result would be the same. The irony was that now he was ready to talk. It was a little late. I guess that sounded pissed and I'm Ok with that.
My needs weren't being met and I was dissatisfied with our relationship but I couldn't talk to him about it. He wasn't present. Knowing that he was having work issues, I was trying to be patient. Not a doormat but respectful of what he was dealing with.
Another reason I chose not to talk to him again was that I needed to get to work. I had 3 projects I was planning to work on Monday night and I needed to get on with them. Talking to him, asking why, what could have been done differently....it felt like wallowing in it. I don't have the energy to wallow in it. It breeds more negativity. I know. I spent years wallowing in the sorrow of a death of a friend. I'm not going to do that anymore.
RV Guy might read that and say that I'm in denial and that I am not acknowledging my feelings. I do know what I'm feeling. I have expressed myself to my close and trusted friends. I'm making myself vunerable by putting this on my blog for anyone to read. That's a big step for me who has had walls up that would rival the Great Wall of China....
I had a hard time sleeping Monday night. Maica woke me up at 3:30. She needed out! I had a hard time going back to sleep, i had the conversations going on in my head....
You know what I felt yesterday? I felt relieved. Done. It's over, I'm not sitting here wondering. My instincts were spot on. I hadn't felt like my needs were being met and I felt I deserved better. So I'm going to be just fine. I still feel sad. It's tough to be alone again but he wasn't going to be the guy who could be there for me. He'd become emotionally unavailable....Been there, done that, no thank you.
My anger has risen. He pushed me to be vunerable. I shared some very intimate things about myself. I trusted him. Then he wasn't there.... But I can't blame him for that. It was what I needed to do and the chance I needed to take and if it didn't work out...well, I did gain a lot from it. For right now, I'm going to be pissed for awhile. Part of the grieving process.
The thing is, that I do love him. I couldn't ever tell him that because, romantically, there was no basis for such a passionate emotion. Now as my friend, I can tell him that without a doubt.
It feels good to get this off my chest. Please, friends, no pity party. anyone want to go out and play???? Oh and I'm back on a dating hiatus. My last hiatus was because I was afraid of getting hurt again. This time, I need the time to take care of me. But first, I have 3rd graders to get painting....