Sunday, October 11, 2009


Can't sleep. For the first time in what seems like months, I have words and thoughts swirling in my head that must come out. My journal has gathered receipts, brochures, some sketches from museum visits, artists names...but not my words. I haven't felt the urge.

Blogging has been sporadic lately. The internet glitch, being busy at work and "distractions" have played their part. Discretion too.

My longest relationship in my adult life has got to be Carmen, my dog of 15 1/2 years. I was her "Alpha." Next comes The Chicklet, my daughter. My relationship with my Ex husband, from dating to divorce, was 6 1/2 years. Is it a wonder that I'm a Lone Wolf?

It took me awhile to get back on the dating scene after divorcing but after awhile I met Jim. We dated for 2 1/2 years. We became engaged and moved in together. After 3 monthes under the same roof, we decided to "dis-engage." We parted on good terms with no regrets. We can pick up the phone any time knowing that a friendly voice will be on the other end.A few years ago, I met Don. Another great guy but he once asked me if I thought I was "too independant." My response was a flat out, "no." I may have been too independant for him but I was fine. He was smart, funny, attentive but there was a void in his life and he was looking for a relationship to fill it.

When we weren't together, he still needed to be connected. I felt suffocated, he felt neglected, we were miserable. Misery must have loved company because I wanted him to be the one to break it off but he wouldn't so I finally had to end it. He's still upset with me... (Oh, grow up)!

I've been pretty gun shy ever since. I had the peace of mind that I had my daughter, the Girls, my art and my job to fill my life. This past Spring "Aqua Man" came into the picture and that was one see saw of a fiasco. Never-the-less, it sparked the memory of what it was to have someone in my life.

This Summer I met the BF, my boyfriend of the last few monthes. He's been mentioned in the blog before but I'm not big at shouting on the rooftops. It's hard to chip away at the "Lone Wolfness." I was enjoying his company, settling into the security of having someone there, someone to lean on, someone I could be real with. We both agreed that the ease of being with each other was new to us and it was good...

There were some red flags from the beginning but I don't need to get married. I'm done making babies. I'm in no rush-so there were no deal breakers to keep me from progressing and seeing what the future brought. We've had some glitches. He called them "hiccups." I liked that term. We moved on. Little by little I felt confident enough to tell my friends about him and our relationship.

Today was the yearly gathering of the Gal Pals in Prescott. After not seeing the Thursday Therapy Gals since school started I was looking forward to today. Shortly after arriving in Prescott I read a text from the BF. "Hope you're having a good time. I need to let you know that I got together with my ex girlfriend last night and we're going to give it another try..."

Did I see it coming? No way. We had a great conversation yesterday afternoon and were supposed to get together after he met with a (guy) friend. When I didn't hear from him, I figured they'd gone out for some beers. No biggie.

That he broke up by text is Chicken Shit. My once ringing, buzzing phone has gone silent. Find your balls, man......

That he chose to give me the news when I was out of town, knowing I was hanging out with my girlfriends-more chicken shit. AND perfect timing. Surrounded by friends-empowered Amazons of all that is scrapbooking, cutters, motherhood and life's highs and lows, I was right where I was supposed to be.I had books to prep, snarky remarks to make, games to play and friends to laugh with. During the quiet moments I took in the news. There was no big announcement, no pity party. I was in shock at first but what was I going to do? Go on. That's what I've always had to do and what I know I can do.

I didn't bring it up until some of the group started to break up. (Ooh, no pun intended, lol). I knew what I was going to hear, "You don't need him. " "He's not worth it." "He's a/an.......," fill in the blank. I agree, yes, yes, he is but it still hurts. It will hurt for awhile. That's how these things work.The hardest part will be the silent phone, the lack of pillow talk, not having an excursion buddy to go exploring with. Because I was going to be out of town, I had some fun stuff planned for today. I'm still going to go and do everything, but alone.

Ugh!'s going to take some time to get used to being alone again. Damn! What lousy timing! There's a leak under the kitchen sink and car repairs to do. So I'll get off my ass and do what I've always done...take care of it.

Someone asked me if I would take him back. ('Cuz we know the re-run is going to have the same end result. Heck, even the Ex BF does). I know what I should have said but I was honest. I said, "I don't know."

I shouldn't take him back because of the sheer stupidity in returning to a relationship he consistantly stated was a battle zone. People do crazy things. G-d give me strength! But I know I have it. There's nothing to worry about. Overall just another hiccup with a different end result.
It mostly means there's more time to harass The Chicklet. There's more time in the studio. More words will get written in the journal and more time to brainstorm crazy, art projects. In the end, life is good. Either that or I'm still on a chocolate high from earlier today, ha, ha.

In case you're wondering. what do the pictures have to do with this post? Absolutely nothing. I've been wanting to share these pics from our garden but haven't had a chance. Looking at our flowers feeds my soul. No chocolate necessary!

God natt,


  1. Marissa,
    Thanks for steeping out of your comfort zone and sharing this oh so real post. Your words confirm you are "together". Saying things out loud to others is sometimes healing. You said it all perfectly! Hugs, CeCe

  2. Thanks CeCe. Reading your blog has taught me it's Ok to to put it out there. Hugs back!

  3. Doesn't it feel good to be "real" and "honest"? Sometimes you just need to get it out there! Hugs, Kim

  4. If I put out there what's been going through my head this morning....I'll have to be accountable for what I say and then have to follow through. Let's see how i feel after painting all day, working on grades and running around with the Chicklet tonight.